A Passionate Christian Marriage: How To Have It & Keep It

A Passionate Marriage: How To Have It and Keep It

When we first become engaged to the woman or man of our dreams, we envision a certain amount of perfection that will follow in our marriage. We see our life filled with smiles, laughter, passionate kisses, maybe some children. We don’t dare imagine life without a few little bumps in the road, because after all we are trying to be honest with ourselves.
What happens after we say “I Do” is where the rubber meets the road. All of our hopes and dreams we have separately, jointly and even unspoken ones… all join together. The brightness of a newly married life and romantic adventure wears off a bit. After years it may fade away completely.

 Why would this happen? Why is it accepted as part of the way things are when you get married? As Christians, we should immediately reject that lie. We should understand that marriage is a life long romance that requires us to be vigilant to guard it and our hearts. The enemy of our souls is seeking to kill and destroy and our marriage. Christian Marriage, tops his list of things to destroy. There are a lot of reasons why he does this. Mainly because marriage is holy before God and he hates everything called holy. Another big reason is that when we are married before the Lord, we are blessed, strong and bonded in unity. Literally that must make the devil’s skin crawl.

When we remember all these things, we should stand a bit taller and be ever more committed to protect and strengthen our relationship with our husband or wife. We know that satan prowls about like a hungry lion and breaking a godly marriage is pretty delicious to him.
So, how can we strengthen and protect our marriage from that?

It takes a hard and focused stand on the issue. We must eliminate everything, yes every thing, that comes between the husband and wife relationship. If our marriage is full of bickering there is a struggle for power in the marriage. That will take some serious denying of your flesh and giving God control. If we are spending too much time or too much money on “things” or “hobbies” then cut that out too. Sensual movies, sensual books, victorias secret (forms of porn!) have no place in your marriage. Ever. Don’t fool yourself if you think you are not affected by it. Your eyes & heart should only be for your sweetie. God’s word is clear on the matter.

Our children, according to scripture, are NOT ahead of our spouse or the Lord.
The Biblical order to your priorities is:
1. God
2. Husband/Wife
3. Ourselves
4. Children
5. Other family, Friends, Serving in Church
6. Exterior world

When we are at worship practice 3 nights a week, playing cards or out with friends frequently, shopping for kicks, on the net chatting or facebooking, texting, at soccer practice & games, pta meetings, television, netflix and so on… we are spending way too much time NOT being married or a family. We have our priorities out of whack.

It then makes sense that we will have a cascading failure of our marriage and family!

If we take the time to prioritize our walk- God first, Our husband or wife second- then our life will shift back into proper focus. No longer will chaos, busyness, fighting, power struggles, passive aggressive remarks and behavior, sexual problems in the bedroom and our children’s behavior plague us. All of these things do straighten out if we genuinely turn all of this over to the Lord.

On the subject of our bedrooms, it is a taboo topic for some reason in the Church. Secret sin abounds in this area. It is not a place to manipulate, coerce or avoid and make excuses. The marriage bed is pure and holy and good and safe. A place of trust and intimacy. God says so in Song Of Solomon, “Drink deeply!” Passion and romance are very good and He wants us all to have it. When we begin to treat our husband or wife like they are a treasure to us, with honor, with adoration, we will see a change. Make an diligent effort and do it regularly. Progress may be slow at first, but keep praying and keep up the good work.
Your marriage is worth it. Every little step counts. If you need help, a fantastic book “The Love Dare” is available at the link here.



 

The Great Purge... De-Crappification 2013: Part 1 (Parts 1 - 6)

Here it is. 

My honest, open, nitty gritty journey chronicled here on my blog for all to see.
I touched on it a bit in the last post, where I ranted about crappy-ness, clutter, time wasters, new techy gadgets and Facebook. Where I urged all of you out there in the world to also say, "Enough is enough!" 

I don't want a minimalist lifestyle or some new agey zen or feng shui jazz going on. That stuff is not from the Lord.  I want less. Less stuff, less mess, less belongings.
If my life is full of busyness, too much activity, too much belongings, too much drama... then I am not genuinely free to serve the Lord and I am too self concerned. If I am honest with myself then I know that to be true.

Did I already freak you out? 

Then I gotta tell you this: 
When you are purging, you do a lot of thinking. You think about why you have held this stuff and how much money and time has been wasted on it. You think about a lot of things.

Today I am decluttering and purging again. I think I am doing it every day except Sunday. It is nice to have only 1/4 of the toys we had a couple months ago and to have less crap in general. When I have ditched a lot of stuff out of a drawer or cabinet, I have taken the extra time to wipe it down with cleaner. That extra step is not really decluttering and minimizing my belongings, but it felt good to have it done. No one “saw” the mess ...or sees that it is now clean... but it looks clean to me because I know I just cleaned it. Hah! Kinda funny. 

I have been trying this last 2 years to get a hold of my clutter problem and I literally have a spotless house compared to what I used to have-- but I know what normal standards are and I still have a long way to go. One of the big motivators for me is that whatever our future home on a farm will be, it is sure to be a whole lot smaller than we have now. Probably without a garage to stuff things into also. The other big motivator is that I keep hearing over and over that less stuff means less stress and less cleaning and more of the "appearance" of clean. I seriously would like that instead of freaking out all the time that my house is a disaster. 

EDITED TO ADD all Parts of the adventure:
Getting Rid Of Crap For Real
Part #2
Part #3
Part #4
Part #5
Part #6
 

Getting Rid Of Crap... for real

My project over the last couple years has been to reduce our belongings. You might call it minimalism. I call it de-crapping. Six people in one home-- wow, just wow.
Over the last 3 months, I have resolved to get really SERIOUS about it. It's working. My goal now is to ditch 1/3 of our stuff by summer. I'm having a lot of fun but it is h a r d.

I already hate new fancy touch phones/iPads/tablets and foofoo gadgets and Facebook and all that junk. I quit FB about 2 years ago, the drama and privacy issues drove me batty. It wastes time too. So when I say I hate that stuff, I mean it. I do not partake, as it were. 

I watch almost everyone at stores and malls walking around texting, head bent down as they walk around. Nearly every person. Start watching for yourself. Couples sitting together at restaurants both lost in their own phone on FB or texting or whatever... who really knows but them? So much for having any relationship or actually communicating face to face. (Hey, lady! Your husband is sitting right there! You know... the guy you've been facebooking and texting all day?) Maybe you've heard of texters walking in front of cars?  

I see all of this as related to becoming less crappy. 
ELIMINATE the crap, folks. 
The air is cleaner and clearer without your dang foofoo phone. 
You LIFE is cleaner and clearer without it. 
Ditch it.

Here is a great and hilarious related post you may enjoy by J Smith.

The Short, 16-Step Guide to Getting Rid of Your Crap

Yay, it’s Friday! Time to head home and relax after a week of hard work..

1. Enter the front door of your home. Toss off your shoes. Notice, lying beneath, a pair of boots you have worn only once. Shrug.

2. Turn on the television and sit on your Ikea couch. Attempt to relax. Awaken 20 minutes later, realizing that you’ve been passively flipping through channels. Turn off the TV, remove the batteries from your remote. Toss them in your Blendtec blender. Stop yourself moments away from doing something drastic.

3. Briefly fondle the iPhone in your pocket. Stop yourself, realizing you were about to do the exact same thing with Reddit as you just did with TV. Call and cancel your data plan in the nick of time.

4. Begin to wonder what people did before television and internet access. Observe the room around you, looking over the unread books and unwatched DVDs lining your dusty shelves. Consider shopping, then picture the unworn clothes occupying your cavernous walk-in closet.

5. Realize your imagination has turned all black and grey.

6. Suddenly recognize that you haven’t used your “spare” room… ever. Do the math and realize said room is costing you five or six hours of work per month. Take out a piece of paper and compare it to that trip to Japan you’ve been meaning to take. Stare at the math in disbelief. Stuff the paper in your mouth and begin to chew.

7. Realize that the brief emotional rush that accompanied the purchase of each item in your home is now gone, leaving only the object itself in its most basic, uninteresting form. The gorgeous, pastel designer couch has become simply a chair. A beautiful glass buffet is transformed into a mere table. A set of immaculate handmade dishes has aged into nothing but a bunch of plates. Your goose down duvet is actually just a blanket. Wince.

8. Glance down at your groceries and realize that the Doritos, Lay’s, and Ruffles you purchased are all just coloured corn and potatoes.

9. Open your credit card bill. Wide-eyed, discover how often you’ve confused shopping with actual extra-curricular activities. Consider joining a monastery.

10. Remember that time you went over to a party in a friend’s pseudo-abandoned loft. Recall the roommates, the self-made art and photos on the walls, the obscenely cheap rent, and the embraced simplicity.

11. Begin to make a quick list of the top 10 things you own in terms of how much they cost. With horror, make a second list of the top 10 things that make you happy. Sense the creeping dread as you realize there is no overlap between the two at all. Shudder in terror.

12. Decide to have a packing party like your friend suggested one time. Take the old sheets you never used from Crate & Barrel. Cover all your stuff with them. Endeavor not to uncover it unless you decide you need to use it. Realize suddenly that you would never use anything at all because you are never actually home.

13. Remember a time in childhood when you were more excited by ideas, love, travel, and people than by anything else. Realize that you have, somehow, bought into a new religion, and that malls, from the inside, look exactly like cathedrals.

14. Consider starting a fire.

15. Consider that, perhaps, you are more than just your stuff. Begin to take a long walk. Breathe.

16. Begin to relax. Give yourself the freedom to begin to dream again.

The Great Purge... De-Crappification 2013: Part 3

I’ve never been a chotchky person, you know… someone who puts cutesy things on shelves that they’ve collected or photos of their family all over the walls. I have zero stuff like that. When I have received stuff like that as gifts, I am sad because I know that I will be getting rid of it as soon as I can. One time someone bought me a wooden sailboat with a scripture printed on the sail. They knew I was a Christian and walked into a Christian store and bought this “thing” for me believing in some naïve way that anything Christian would make me happy and satisfy their obligation to give a gift. Ugh.

Shouldn’t there be a rule? Don’t buy perfume, books, music, clothing or collectibles for someone unless they specifically ASK for it? But I digress.

So, it’s not collectible thimbles from pancake houses around the world that I simply cannot part with. That is not my problem. Forgive me if you do that. I can’t stand that sort of thing.

My problem is the accumulation of crapitude.

One reason that has been the bane of my life- for what seems for forever- is that I have four children that are really widely spaced in ages. Not a problem, of course. The problem is that it goes girl, boy, girl, boy. Hand me downs then are then held a long time in boxes in my garage waiting for the next appropriate gender child to grow enough. After a child is done with the clothes in their size, I get rid of my non-favorites and nonessentials. The rest go into a plastic tote to store. I often ask myself why would I hold a box for so long? I could, in theory, get rid of all of it and then re-buy all of it later. I can’t bring myself to do it. The expense of it is so high in my mind!

Clearly I am not ready to cross the purge bridge with my hand me downs. Maybe soon that will change.

The Great Purge... De-Crappification 2013: Part 2

“Organizing is often well-planned hoarding.”

Recently I read this statement and it stuck in my mind. I think about it in relation to myself and realize that in many ways I still do keep things I should let go of. I've spent my whole life drowning in a clutterific mess and then periodically hitting a crisis moment where I freak out about it and then buy organizing bins, labels and stuff to help control my clutter. I also take a bunch of stuff to a donation center and recycle lots of magazines and papers. Eventually it all comes back and the cycle continues.

On the other hand, a couple of years ago, I turned a corner personally with being able to ditch stuff. I never understood that holding on to stuff was a personal issue, not a stuff issue. 
I have come a long way. 
A really long way.  
Unfortunately, I still have a long way to go. Understanding that about myself and not wigging out about the length of time this process is taking me is a sign I am growing. Maybe it is that I am getting older, too. 
Further victory: I do not buy crap to add to my home. Gifts for my children are well thought out, household gadgets and tools are minimal. I do not "craft" any more, just sew. Only genuinely useful needed things. When the usefulness has passed, the item must leave. 
People who hoard or pack rat often say, “What if I need this in the future?” There are very few items that actually will have a future use. That is if I am honest with myself.

Isn’t purging and cleaning about being honest?

Lawlessness and The Church

Though there are plenty of important discussions debating the semantics of whether or not Christians are subject to the Law, as given by Moses, that is not my subject today.

Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; But happy is he who keeps the law.
Proverbs 29:18

When you think of someone who does not keep the law, what do you see? Is it a stereotype you imagine, a rough looking individual? Does the phrase “cast off restraint” make you think of Mardi Gras in New Orleans? At its most basic definition, lawlessness means without law. That does not necessarily mean against the law. It is a very important distinction we must see.
The spirit of lawlessness has borders that might surprise the average believer and there are some very interesting ways this spirit affects people. In fact, it may shock you to hear that most people today have it. A spirit of lawlessness has paved the way in the hearts of men to think and do a myriad of appalling things.

The subject of lawlessness goes deep and has far reaching ramifications. The distance of which, we as the Church, underestimate.

To begin with, God makes the rules. He set the laws of nature, of what is love, what is holy and so on. He set them all, regardless if we accept them as true or not. We cannot rewrite the laws, the standard, that God set into motion. But that is exactly what we try to do. We are ridiculous and head strong.

Each of us has our own personal concepts and our personal defining of what is right and wrong, even in light of scripture we do this. We actually put our individual self on the scale of righteousness. Like a shade of gray on the spectrum from black to white. If Adam did that and shifted the awareness of his own sinfulness and need for the Lord and then next generation shifted that a notch down the ladder? Multiply that from generation to generation further on the scale away from holiness. Our “perceptions” are so far off the mark now that we are standing neck deep in sin and claim we are barely up to our ankles.

“And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold.”
Matthew 24:12

This personal standard (pure invention) of right and wrong sets up an entire panorama of justification for sin and perception on who is in error. Yes, it means hating God’s law in many cases (some would argue “all cases”), but this lawless spirit goes farther. Some of it is along the lines of ‘what is right for you is not what is right for me’ but that is way over simplified. Really that is just the first layer. The foundation being- we as creatures are steeped in sin and we refuse to conform or obey ANY standard unless we ourselves judge it to be acceptable. By doing that- we are setting our own laws– not conforming, but instead copying portions of a premade set of standards. Creating our own new set, and because these new laws are our own, we can flex them and bend them to allow ourselves to still be “sinless” in our own eyes and therefore above judgment. What a set up! We are fooling ourselves. It is exactly as if we are plugging our ears and singing “Free To Be You And Me” as loudly as we can, all the while believing that butterflies and sunshine await us when we die. Denying truth and embracing the lie.

Jesus said, “I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!”
Matthew 7:23


“Therefore as the tares are gathered and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of this age. The Son of Man will send out His angels, and they will gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and those who practice lawlessness, and will cast them into the furnace of fire. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth.”
Matthew 13:40-42

We cannot reject God’s law without consequence. We are not above judgment. We are not sinless. We do not set the standard. So then, what can we do? Can we correct this gross distortion our society (and the Church) is entrenched with? Perhaps. I believe we need to start within each of ourselves and teach our children as well. We must pull in the reigns on our ideologies. Correct our vision. We must get on our faces before the Most Holy and pray for revelation:

Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; But happy is he who keeps the law.
Proverbs 29:18

When we receive revelation FROM GOD, we see clearly. The false perceptions we have fall off like scales from our eyes. Restraint becomes very important suddenly… Righteous living, or rather living within the standard that God has set, has enormous significance as a result. Therefore, our personal relationship with the Lord will intensify and deepen. One by one, we raise the societal standard of righteousness and holy living… OR one by one we each lower that standard.

Today, the Church has a choice.



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Unequipped to homeschool?

We ALL feel some days like we can't homeschool. But we do it... by God's grace. The character issues and trials in our lives are enough to cause us to doubt our abilities. We homeschool because we know the Lord has called us to do this and because He has, He will work it out when we trust Him to do so.

No homeschooling family is going to tell you that it will all be easy or every day will be easy, but we are here to lift each other up during the hard times. This why homeschool support groups are essential.

There is a saying in homeschool circles and I do not know where it started or who said it first: The worst day home educating is better than than the best day in government school.

Your children are sure to have bad days whether they are in gov't school or private school or at home. That is just fact. It has nothing to do with where they are at physically. All people have bad days. You will and do have bad days! The character issues we each deal with within our families are worked out when we are together not separated- and on our bad days the heat gets turned up on those issues.


My family has grown so much in the Lord because of this type of testing and refining! Because of this process, we actually care about each other in deep ways and seek to keep our family unit serving the Lord in every area of our lives. We are far from perfect or harmonious! But we seek to truly love our neighbor by beginning within our own family. The opportunities (a.k.a. trials!!) for this to happen are abundant when you home educate (or as some say "family discipleship" )

Remember, that is one of the main reasons for a homeschool group! To encourage each other! Share! Support!

Burnt Cake

The beginning of another year for education usually brings thoughts of direction, focus and introspection. We take stock of our energy and time and evaluate where we should spend these valuable assets. For all intents and purposes, a good thing to do. This process begins with pictures in our minds of what we perceive to be either failure or success and then we measure our efforts against that.
We may have success personally defined as anything from a strict schedule and well kept house- to boys with combed hair & girls wearing dresses and baking with your own ground wheat all day- or children all snuggled in bed with you reading books together- or going to BSF together as a family and spending your budget on your children’s latest passion. Success may be what you see in your friend at the support group who has her children practice piano, and goes to some homeschool academy classes and seems to have a million friends.


If you fail to meet that ideal you have in your mind, you
feel depressed and guilty. How can you ever measure up? You struggle with fears you have been told over and over not to have: What if your in-laws were right? What if your husband tells you that your time for trying out your new hobby “Homeschooling” is over? What if your homeschool friends figure out you are not all you pretend to be? And horror of horrors, what if your children do not test as well as government school kids typically do?

Was this ever fair to ask you or your family to try to attain? This perfect life, this ideal that does not exist? Home educating is not the answer to achieve a flawless family. There is no flawless family. There is no perfect homeschool.
We look through the proverbial window into another home educating family’s life and we see beautiful frosting- but we cannot see the cake underneath is probably burned.

Only your closest friends may reveal to you they have burnt cake. You stare in disbelief at them as they detail a morning of unruly children, school that did not start until after lunch, little Joey stole $2 from her purse and her husband is thinking of making her go back to work. She cries and says she keeps thinking of putting her children in public school, it would be better for them to have a “real” teacher.
-- Hold it. Wait a minute. Did she say she was just like you? Yes. She did.

Put your arm around her. Cry with her. Tell her it is not easy, but it is the best thing she could be doing with her life. Pray with her right then. Offer to take her kids tomorrow so she can regroup and pray.

When you go home, stop and take a fresh look around and say, “Gee, I guess I am not a failure. We all have life struggles and Homeschooling is hard, but worth every drop of sweat and every tear.”

Will they know you belong to Jesus?

Will the world know you belong to Jesus? Surely the sweet temperament we have, our prayer at meals and the fact we go to church every week tells people. Right? That is not what we see when we look to scripture. People should have no doubt if we are His disciple. We should stand out. Our lives should be without hypocrisy, an undimmed light, a constant pouring out of the words of Jesus. Is your life becoming of Christ? Do others raise an eyebrow at you and think you talk too much about righteous living, the Bible, Jesus and His soon return? If they do, you may be on the right track. If they don’t, it is time to check yourself.

Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ. [Phil 1:27]

What does it mean to have conduct that is worthy of the gospel?
Our conduct means our behavior, attitude, thoughts and actions- in short, our whole life. Therefore, our whole life has become a daily laying down of our own flesh, obeying and all that doing that entails. Understanding what our flesh is and learning how to put our flesh at the foot of the cross can be a long agonizing road. We must do so to the best of our ability as we ever increase in our understanding in how to do it.

When our conduct becomes worthy of the gospel, it is because it represents what Jesus did for us. He gave all. Jesus is the complete gospel. He is the Good News. Our whole life becomes worthy of the gospel of Christ when we endeavor to strip off the “old man”, to crucify our own ways and thoughts and become more like Jesus. We can only go through this ongoing process with His help.

The more we conduct ourselves worthy of the gospel, the more we will not look like the world around us. The changes that have been taking place cause us to say and do things that inevitably draw attention. We choose to embrace the cross rather than be ashamed of it. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. [Matthew 5:15-17]

This attention we invariably draw is usually either very negative or very positive. If we continue to lay our flesh down then we care less and less about what the world has to say about it. There certainly will be those excited about what God is doing in your life, but there will be plenty of people who will not “glorify the Father” when they see the light spoken of in this verse. As horrible as it may sound, they may even begin to hate you. That’s a good sign.

By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. [John 13:35]

Would the world have known the gospel, if Jesus lived as you do? Ouch. Let’s each diligently seek the Lord to gain better understanding, revelation, on what Love is. The lessons on Love never seem to end, but they are critical in every way when it comes to knowing the Lord and reflecting Him to others.

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. [John 10:26-28]

Jesus is telling us volumes in such a short sentence here. Right now we are just going to touch on a bit. If we belong to Jesus, we have relationship with Him. He knows us and we know Him. If we love Jesus: we follow Him, we obey His commandments (John 14:21). Jesus makes an important statement first: He says that if we belong to Him, we hear His voice. We should hear His voice.

How will the world know that we are His? By conducting ourselves worthy of the gospel, by our obedience to Jesus’ commandments, by the brightness of our light shining, by the way we love Jesus and one another, and because we look and sound like Him. Let’s put our focus to become more like Him and let the world know who Jesus is.

Taking a hit

The strongest we can be as Christians is when we fully understand who we are in Christ Jesus and what we can accomplish in Him. However, even when we are completely secure in our knowledge of who we are in Christ, we still occasionally trip and have a difficult time getting back up. The confidence we have has been marred but not altogether lost. We struggle to remember our identity when we stumble and feel weak. Depressed. It seems the longer it takes for us to return to that full standing position is dependent on many factors.
-Our own faith may have taken a hit. Even those who have been tested many times and had our faith stretched and grown until we are very strong can stumble a step or two backward when a heavy hit lands squarely.
-Physical/chemical imbalances in our system. Many suffer occasional or constant battles with an overabundance or lack of integral chemicals in our body. The brain especially. The answer, sometimes elusive, could be a simple vitamin-mineral or amino acid supplement, exercise, or blood sugar correction.
-Outside negative influences. Constantly being inundated with the unkind or poisonous behavior of others is difficult to keep guard against if it is a family member or coworker. We may even open ourselves to negativity by the media we listen to or watch or the company we keep.
-General neglect to protect ourselves from the fiery darts of our enemy. We should put on our spiritual armor. We should be praying for protection.
Our own heart, thought life and prayer life go hand in hand with our personal relationship with the Lord. When we have made a choice, consciously or not, to withhold one of these areas from Him who created us then we are setting ourselves up for an attack or outright infestation of enemy.
What can we do to get back on top? It is simple really- but can be a very difficult door to open. We must humble ourselves and ask the Lord to show us where we need Him right now in our life. He is waiting for us with the answers. He wants to guide us step by step, He wants to show us. Then in our place of humility we can hear the answer and see the path. This is where we can finally stand up victorious again and return to our knowledge of who we are in Christ.